Life and I

“I know that pain is the most important thing in the universes. Greater than survival, greater than love, greater even than the beauty it brings about. For without pain, there can be no pleasure. Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Without misery there can be no beauty. And without these, life is endless, hopeless, doomed and damned.” – Harlan Ellison

I added this quote when I thought of how much more brilliant, radiant, and beautiful the world looks after emerging from tragedy and sadness.

As irony plays upon all worldly things, my phone was salvaged from the wreck; it, too, was alive and kicking, but it didn’t seem to want to be around anymore because the screen wouldn’t turn on — in essence, it is dead. Someone called it, and I heard the ringtone going off: it was stuck between the right, imploded side and the crushed dashboard — another incredible miracle. The unabridged book of poetry terms was hurled through the car at such a speed, it nearly tore it apart; the first 150 pages were torn. So, this is all I have left to remember this awesome car…I am just pleased to be alive, but I can’t help but wonder why am I so lucky? What purpose could I possibly serve on this planet? Am I destined for greatness like everyone seems to think? It is like I am forever trapped on this Earth; I couldn’t die — even if I wanted to. I guess, it is an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object: I can neither leave, nor stay happily; but, I am happy to be alive, just sometimes I wish it could all be different. I used to pray awful things like this would happen to me so I wouldn’t have to be in pain anymore, and, now it seems like the Universe is making a laughing stock of my wants and wishes. Near-death is life; tragedy is peace. I am a lucky guy in an unlucky world, with angels on my side with no rhyme or reason why I am even still alive. If I had a matchbook full of Luck, I’ve struck them all; if I was a cat, I’ve used ten lives; somehow, or another, I am meant to be here (despite the existential nihilistic tendencies I have), and I’ll have to try to make the best of it if I can. Everything does happen for a reason, but for what reason is all of this happening?; is the plan already laid out ahead of me? I sure hope not. I am no great man with an epic tale to spin, just a man flying by the seat of his pants chasing furtive dreams. Some will surely say an angel was a passenger that night, yet I find it to surely be a coincidence…it just so happened to be that way: if not, I’ll eat my words, but inversely, it could have been divine intervention; maybe I have more to accomplish and conquer — my story isn’t yet over. There is, of course, Something divine in the cosmos; the blue and green hues of Earth are far too diverse and teeming with life to, just by mere chance, appear for us. All in all, I am thankful to be alive; I say that with a little scorn because I think I deserved to die that night for all the pain, heartache, and loss I put all these wonderful people through due to my psychologically, ill disposition. If I do deserve to live, I think surviving this horrific accident is the invitation to continue and persevere: the Invitation to Live! I accept this invite halfheartedly: I just really and truly hope Something, or Someone, will show me the path I need to walk down to have a blissful life…I’ve had worse times than this, and walking away from this disastrous accident untouched and unscathed is a gift — is it a gift to be alive, or is it something I’ll not appreciate, and, ultimately waste… I absolutely hope not.

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